Hurt me, so I can write a song..

June 19, 2007 at 4:27 pm Leave a comment

I’m going through a mental time right now.

I remember way back in an only-slightly-exciting past, selfishly grumbling to my selfish self that there was no way I was ever going to make decent music when my life was so stable, so good, alright and fine. Unless ‘Toploader’ needed a new keyboardist. But that’s not really my style. And drum ‘n’ bass, well, it’s the sound of the urban jungle, and when I’m in my studio, I can hear chickens and sheep outside. Feeling just fine and dandy and strolling into my studio to make dark disturbed music just, well, wasn’t really gonna happen.

No. What I needed was passion, thrills, action, romance, adventure, pain, suffering, sleepless nights, tears, confusion, the loss of hope..

For these things are the fuel of creativity; we need to be touched if we are to touch others. We need to feel pain if we are to know love. Without the passion that suffering causes, or the joys of love lost and found, I’m not sure where the arts would be. Would Beethoven have produced such masterpieces if he hadn’t been tortured by the loss of his hearing? Can you imagine losing the thing you love the most like that? What emotions must have stirred in him to provoke such beauty?

Is it worth the pain, if the end result touches others so? Must we be initiated into suffering so that we can grow? Should we fight the torment when it comes, and beat it, or do we let it happen to us, and grow from the experience.. Or should we just avoid it altogether, missing out completely the risk of happiness in the end?

Whether ’tis better in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them..

Maybe my head’s screwed. Maybe the Brave New World that we’re heading for is right. We want stablilty, we want order, we want happiness, we want comfort, don’t we?

“But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”

One day the strangeness of the past week will be a distant memory, and I hold on to that, and right now my focus must be to use the feelings as a gift from God; not to be rejected and shunned, but embraced and expressed. If I can exorcise the emotions, then maybe they’ll be out in notes and music, touching others, and not inside, causing pain. Maybe. I certainly got what i wished for, all those months ago… Curse my selfish mumblings..

Bah, I need to set up different blog, this is no place for such insane ramblings….

Entry filed under: Thoughts.

Breaking and Entering Blue Nine

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